You know you're in an E34 if...
You spend 30 minutes trying to find your hood release cause your Low Oil lights keep beeping and the first thing that pops through your head when you finally get it open is "oooooh it opens that way".
Your girlfriend while leaving the drive through asks "wheres the cupholder?"
Anybody have anything to contribute?
So...uh...does that M3 got VTEC?
Yep, roger on the cupholder (and the oil low warning! But I took care of that by adding some oil ):
You're in the drive-thru, order a "#2", and realize you have absolutely nowhere to put your drink, so you [UNSAFELY] put it in between your legs and attempt awkwardly to shift and steer with this ice-cold beverage between your legs, not to mention you can't open your legs to shift like you normally would, because then the drink will spill all over your Bavarian-cow leather!
Your door panels are coming apart (or you're in an E36...).
No one gives your car a second look from the front or side, but everyone loves it from the back.
More to come, I'm sure...
E82 135i: Alpine white on black leather; ZSP; ZCW; iPod/USB
Previous Bimmers owned (from last to first): E46 M3, E34 540i/6, E30 325iS, E34 525i, E30 318i
You know you're in an E34 if...
The On-Board Computer chimes at you when it's 38 degrees, and your friend/girlfriend freaks out. then you have to make up some reason or try to explain why it does that.
When it beeps every hour to tell you the radio is on, but can't tell you it is out of coolant.
BMW Man
^^ Yeah, I love how the E34 tells you things. It's so ... late 80s.
My dad's old New Yorker used to actually have a voice that was preprogrammed to say certain things. E.g. "The door is ajar, the door is ajar!" and "The temperature outside is XX degrees Fahrenheit." What a POS, though!
At least my E34 doesn't talk to me. I'd be kinda freaked out if it said, "You are encountering a twisty, prepare to floor it and take it at 80 MPH like any good BMW owner should!"
E82 135i: Alpine white on black leather; ZSP; ZCW; iPod/USB
Previous Bimmers owned (from last to first): E46 M3, E34 540i/6, E30 325iS, E34 525i, E30 318i
Despite your "friends" owning newer cars and making occasional fun of it being "old", yours is the one that everyone wants to take on out of town trips.
you use words like free form, smiley, projector, french, Hella, or smoked when conversing about headlights while other car owners look at you blankly.
you feel sorry for people who have to climb under their cars to change the oil filter.
You've ever suggsted that you "go get the bentley" before working on the car, while your non bimmerhead buddy wonders why you need to get an expensive british car.
you have a factory service manual and a bentley on CD and carry them with you when you travel.
No one wants to touch the alignment except BMW and even they aren't happy about it.
You are puzzled that new cars don't have a flashlight in the glovebox.
You are puzzled they do not have a full size spare.
You are puzzled that they do have a working jack and a lugnut tool that works, and wonder why BMW cheated you so.
your seats are/were twisted.
You know you're in an e34 when...
the first time you have to change the battery, you don't know where the hell it is.
your glove box latch break every couple years... and you still need to ask how to get in
your headrest makes a noise but does not move
taking off the grill is rocket science the first time
you are still finding little 'cool things' about the car and your SO rolls their eyes when you have to show them
When you just give up on buying coolant level sensors and see "coolant level" everytime you get in and out of your car.
When you're ride is so sweet, you come out in the morning and your wheels are completely gone.
(speaking from experience)
You say "hey look, my seat can do the robot!"
So...uh...does that M3 got VTEC?
waiting for a thrust bushing to fail.
people ask you where is the battery.
...a 1/4 in of wire hanger fixes your head rest problem.
...you spend more time with your car than the wife.
...your daughter spends more time with your car then you do.
...you spend a 2 hours trying to figure out that your car does not have a transmission dip stick
You're the only person who can make the one touch windows and sunroof work.
You know you're travelling 55 mph without looking at the spedometer.
You laugh at the person trying to find the rear seatbelt
You press the stalk to view your range even though its much more awkward and distracting than hitting the button on the OBC.
You look at another E34 to determine who's is in better shape.
You tell people your car is 18-12 years old and they don't believe you.
You buy a watch battery every 4 months to replace the light in the key that you never use because its useless yet somehow always drain the battery.
You know how to check how many volts your car is putting out from inside the car.
You know thrust arm bushing types and prices like E36 guys know RTABs.
You know that euro trim does not refer to the Spanish broad you picked up last night
2008 BMW M5 6-speed
Silverstone II/Indianapolis Red/Aluminum
Enhanced Audio, 20-way seats with Active Backrest, iPod, Comfort Access, Shades
RPI GT Sec. 1, 2 and 3, Scoops, Plates, BMC Filters
H&R Sport / Dinan Roll Control F+R / TMS 12.5mm
IND Gloss Black Grills
17 330xiT, 93 Miata, 13 BRZ, 18 2500 Duramax
you know you're in an E34 when..
you say to yourself things like: wow this car turns amazingly, i love how the engine sings, am i doing 160 kmh?! i feel safe in here, but my nex car is going to be a lexus!
.. When it's almost a tenth of the cost of your car to get Euro Smileys, smoked talilights, turn signals, etc..
Hey, where's Perry!?
....the drivetrain is as reliable as they come, so to make up for it, the Germans had to overcomplicate the crap out of anything that runs on 12 Volts in the car.
....you have to smack the dash sometimes to get all the lights on the HVAC/Radio/OBC to come on at the same time at night.
....you can only fit about 10 sheets of paper in the glovebox and it still close all the way.
....you have to press the gas pedal down so hard that when you get in your other car, you nearly ram into the back of someone in front of you (at least in ours).
....you cross your fingers every time you reach for the button to close the sunroof, and pray it works.
....you've had the car for about a month, and still wonder where the antennna is.
....have accepted that you will spend more on getting the car in shape than you did buying the car in the first place.
....have come up with creative ways to try and justify your hemorrhaging wallet for the sake of having the car.
....have come up with creative ways to bitch and moan about why BMW 'did it that way', and why you 'can only get that from the dealer'.
....you're driving what is argueably the sexiest station wagon ever sold in the United States.
....you get a hard-on for a 13 year-old station wagon that you can never hope to have, a la M5 Touring.
....you always have a backup car.
....you can buy a car that was over $43k new for less than $4k now.
....you can only go to one shop in a 300 mile radius that actually knows about your car's suspension, and how to fix it.
....your Girlfriend calls you 3 days per week on her cell-phone to tell you what new and exciting thing the car is doing this time.
....your Girlfriend calls you on her cell-phone to tell you that the car says the Coolant Level is low........for the 38th time......in a month.....and she hasn't yet gotten it through her head that it's a design issue, and not really low.
....the coolant level sensor thinks it's having all the fun, and the washer fluid level sensor wants some attention too.
**********************
TripleJack
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.....When you're 6'3" and have the seat all the way back and and you look left to change lanes and you are actually looking out the rear passenger seat window.
.....You cant drive with the windows down smoking your favorite stogie cause the wind smacks that ash all over your face cause you're 6'3" and are technically sitting in the back seat.
....After driving your wife's Mini, you feel like you're rowing a freaking boat on your 6 speed.
....Your big ass and hamstrings hurt sitting on those rock hard sport seats.
....Everytime you go in reverse, your passenger wonders what that noise is near the side mirror.
....Your front passenger has no idea how to roll down their window.
.... When coasting don a hill, you say - "Hey - I'm getting 50 miles per gallon!"
Since so many have commented on bad coolant sensors, here's a tip:
The coolant sensors aren't going bad. The connection between the sensor and the wireing harness is. Next time you change it, clean (and i mean wire brush clean) the contacts on the sensor plug. Then, coat the prongs in dielectric grease to ensure a good connection.
I did this a year ago after constant coolant sensor replacements and I'm happy to report it hasn't been an issue since.
Now that I've posted this though, as soon as I go downstairs today its going to go off of course.
2008 BMW M5 6-speed
Silverstone II/Indianapolis Red/Aluminum
Enhanced Audio, 20-way seats with Active Backrest, iPod, Comfort Access, Shades
RPI GT Sec. 1, 2 and 3, Scoops, Plates, BMC Filters
H&R Sport / Dinan Roll Control F+R / TMS 12.5mm
IND Gloss Black Grills
17 330xiT, 93 Miata, 13 BRZ, 18 2500 Duramax
Holy crap, this is funny shit I like it cause it's so true.......
You know you're in an E34 if someone tells you your car is old, then you just think to your self "if they only knew".
You know you're in an E34 everytime you look at your car when you get back from it from your daily errands, you admire that thing to hell.
You know you're in an E34 when you look forward to waking up in the morning skipping breakfast or coffee just to get in the car and drive.
.......when you're rocking a cassette tape player. Well atleast my E34.
94 530i
01 740il
88 E30 M3 (sold)
03 350Z (sold)
80 CB750f
84 GPZ1100
you know you're in an e34 when:
passengers get in they take half of the door seal with them
You hit 62 mph and the whole car shakes so you just go faster
you get pissed off at it because the electricals aren't working right and the next morning when you see it its love at first sight all over again
you make up excuses to take the long route just so you can drive more
your friends girlfriends always want to go for a ride
passengers randomly say, "This thing can do that!?!"
you have to constantly check your speed to keep from going too fast
you can intimidate others at the stoplight just by the BMW emblem
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