The autox/track season is upon us once again. It's been a sleepy and snowy winter so let's all refresh ourselves on the competitve aspect of the season.

That's right.

What will be your excuse for losing a track event or placing low or coming in DFL at an autox?

Please share your precious tidbits of information. Here are some gems that I've heard over the last couple years:

1) I suck.

A classic excuse that is a double edged sword. It provides a CYA and potentially makes you look better. How? Throw it out before an event and it will be given that you are going to lose so no shame there. You know and now your competitors do too and it takes away from your competitor's tasty victory.

BUT if you do good, that means a crappy driver (you) out-drove people you have put on a pedestal, making you a SUPERIOR driver. Even though you suck. No really.

Applications:
Drag Racing
Autox
Club Racing

2) My tires suck.

Bald Kumhos, Yokos, Michelins, Bridgestones, etc? I bet that weasel in your class has fresh Hoo-Hoo's or V710s! Bastard! No wonder he won!!!! CHEATER!

Applications:
Drag Racing
Autox
Club Racing

3) Your car is better than mine.

Sometimes your competitor is RICH and buys his victories. Yeah that's it. How the hell is your off the shelf spring/shock setup going to beat a GC c/o? It's not. You know that and let your competitors know that.

Applications:
Drag Racing
Autox
Club Racing

4) I can't launch.

Need to mix it up from the autox and track scene and want to see what the car will do in the quarter mile? Problem is, your skillset (as bad as they are-see excuse #1) is different than what is required at the drag strip. Or at least that is what you tell other people. Your used to finessing the steering wheel and delicate inputs of the throttle (this is the drag racing crowd, it's not like they're going to call you out. Make yourself out to be a hero while you're at it.) and not to the self perceived "FLOOR IT" skills of drag racing. Most likely, you're gonna flub it off the line. Spin first gear, dog leg it off the line (open diff-see above concerning "your car is better than mine"), etc.

So throw it out there.

Applications:
Primarily Drag Racing, but can be applied to autox-especially Pro Solo.

Bottom line. Not matter what the situation. It's not your fault. Use these as much as possible to take the wind out of the sails from someone else and more importantly to feel better about yourself.

Again, feel free to add in some new ones.

i have an automatic transmission, tires are bald, suspension is shot and I suck. :(

5.) Your competitors car is lighter.

This is my personal favorite. Thus the reason why I will probably race IS, not IP. I hhave to leave my interior in. I can use the HP-Weight ratio arguement.

i have an automatic transmission, tires are bald, suspension is shot and I suck. :(
A 318 with an autotragic? What other excuse do you need?

A 318 with an autotragic? What other excuse do you need?
the other ones were just the icing on the cake :(

Honda.......nuff said. :(

Honda.......nuff said. :(

true dat :D

I had a bad "instructor" at BeaveRun. :(


:D

My land yacht needs wind to get moving :dunno

The hookers in the trunk throw off my weight balance.

I have a 4-cyl automatic bmw.

I'm hungover from last night.

I forgot my stickaz.

I'm hungover from last night.

:lol I actually heard that one before. Seriously!:lol

I'm hungover from last night.


I've heard that one!!!!

I actually drive better hung over for some reason. After a night of beers and shots then waking up early, I'm good to go for autox.

My bike has a flat? :dunno

Matt

His trailer wheels have spinnArzz?

New excuse.

I was reading John V's reply to a post:

You know, I'm plumb out of excuses for this year. We have a competitive car to drive, we have the right tires, we have the right shocks...

Does this mean if I suck it's MY FAULT?! :(

Good God man! Think about it! Introducing the new excuse:

I'm not used to this car.

Co-driving someone else's car? So your buddy has a pretty sweet ride. Coilover, grippy R Comps, corner-balanced, the works. But... what if you fcuk it up and drive like crap. Can't blame the car-it's a piece of finely tuned machinery...

You're simply not used to this car.

In the aforementioned instance above with JV-he drives an M3 on a daily basis and so he is used to that car's balance, precision, blah, blah, blah, blah (add in other colorful handling terms/characteristics to dress up your argument). And as such, he is probably not used to a car that is not his. It's too fast, it plows (remember, you suck-excuse #1), it oversteers, tires are different, you're not used to that Quaife, you thought that NOS button was a horn, etc. THAT'S why you can't optimize the performance of the car. Yeeeeaaahhh... that's it. So if JV doesn't do well on a given day, he can use this excuse.

Remember. In all situations, take the driver out of the equation. It's NEVER your fault. It's always the equipment or the other driver. You're just an innocent victim.

How about... his name is more popular than mine?

http://babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html

According to that Jed, your name sucks now.

How about... his name is more popular than mine?

http://babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html

According to that Jed, your name sucks now. My name's not even in that thing :(

According to that Jed, your name sucks now.

Hell, I could've told you that without that link.

Honda.......nuff said. :(Wow, it has been a while since we had some good Andy-drives-a-Honda jokes. :D

My favorite excuses (for autox) will be:
I'm on street tires (when running in B-stock)
I'm on stock suspension (when running in STU)
My car is overweight (when people call me out for the excuses above)
My convertible chassis flexes more than coupes do (when the weight excuse doesn't work)
I suck. :( :help

But Jed, you forgot a couple of great neutralizing excuses that don't involve admitting you suck!
1) I'm new at this. It is like saying you suck with all the advantages you mention above, but you don't actually admit you suck. If you win, hey super hot-shot in the fire suit over there got beaten by a novice! If you lose, well, you're a novice, everyone will come over and give you lots of encouragement so you come back next week to fill the bottom of the time sheets.

2) I'm just out here for the fun of it. This is another win-win (or can't lose) situation. If you win, and you're only in it for fun, then a bunch of super hot-shots in fires suit got beaten by someone who wasn't even trying. By not taking the competition seriously, you heap a double insult on those that did take is seriously and still lost. If you lose, hey, just getting seat time is worth the price of admission, who cares if you didn't win? :dunno

Now, the real problem comes if I actually win because that means someone got beaten by an overweight, flimsy convertible on stock suspension and stock tires driven by a novice who wasn't even trying to win! :D

Jed, you are a genious for bringing this up, but I'm a little disappointed you missed these classic excuses. :nono

Scott :D

Take your pick:

- My car is screwed as far as classing goes, running against cars with R compound tires. So I don't take autox seriously, and suck without saying I suck.

- Ski season is not over. Screw y'all, I'm heading for the mountains!

2 PHAT 4 SM2

Neil

Pete and I have a plethora of excuses:

a) we can only turn our head's right, we can't look left (seriously) :stickoutt ;

b) window harness obstructs view (seriously);

c) there's two rearview mirrors in the car now, and since the seat is lowered 1.5" -- can't see shyt ahead of us (seriously);

d) We thought we smelled smoke and hit the kill switch :eek: :stickoutt;

e) We loaned Eric our oil pan; and

f) "I'm stuck and I can't get out." :help

I like to have a couple excuses so my competition doesn't get tired of hearing them. When at the drag strip with my buddies, the first one I usually use when I'm not running well is "I can't get traction!" This will let them know that my car has more power than theirs because they can get traction.

If I am running a similar car to mine with a known similar HP, then my next excuse is my car's weight. With a lux package M3 my car probably weighs close to 3300 pounds! I leave my spare tire in and make sure my gas tank is close to full just to further promote the issue.

If I have pulled these out and still haven't corrected my times then I go to the "I suck" line that Jed uses. This line puts your comp is a very bad situation. It's like they are playing a girl in a sport. If they win, who cares, they beat somone who sucks, but if they loose they lost to someone who sucks so they must be the suckyerest :cool

I'm not used to this car.
Excellent! I'm still using that one!

Building on it, "the car isn't set up to ideally suit my driving style." WTF does this mean? It's like "I suck," but with an additional shot at whomever set the car up in the first place. We're well into the realm of meaningless drifto-nonsensicles.

Relatedly, "my car was ideally set up ... in 2003 when it won nats' with someone who could drive at the wheel." More blame for the car, masking accountability to the driver who just can't make a good thing work.

"My instructor told me my brakes suck." It doesn't get much better than canonical third person confirmation. THANKS, GREG!!! :alright I'm thinkin' sucky brakes are gonna be 3-5 seconds worth of excuse on a 60 second course, right? :devillook

"Street tires, whatta gonna do?" Said with a light-hearted shrug and perhaps a knowing chuckle, this'll only work on people who don't realize you're competing in a street-tire class against others running street tires.

More as the season progresses....

:redspot

I don't track!

or Queenz would say I SPEND ALL MY TIME PLAYING VIDEO GAMES OMGROTFLASAOHI2HIC2C!!!!1ONE2

Pete and I have a plethora of excuses:

a) we can only turn our head's right, we can't look left (seriously) :stickoutt ;

b) window harness obstructs view (seriously);

c) there's two rearview mirrors in the car now, and since the seat is lowered 1.5" -- can't see shyt ahead of us (seriously);

d) We thought we smelled smoke and hit the kill switch :eek: :stickoutt;

e) We loaned Eric our oil pan; and

f) "I'm stuck and I can't get out." :help

Ooh! I wanna drive your car!!!! Excuse City here I come!!!!

I think I'll go with #1, "I suck."

Pete and I have a plethora of excuses:

a) we can only turn our head's right, we can't look left (seriously) :stickoutt ;

b) window harness obstructs view (seriously);

c) there's two rearview mirrors in the car now, and since the seat is lowered 1.5" -- can't see shyt ahead of us (seriously);

d) We thought we smelled smoke and hit the kill switch :eek: :stickoutt;

e) We loaned Eric our oil pan; and

f) "I'm stuck and I can't get out." :help


I'll add one to Jame's car (when I'm driving it). I can't see over the steering wheel (Seriously) :stickoutt . I need to get an extra cushion ( I kinda feel like short round from Indianna Jones II except I don't need blocks tied to my shoes).

For my car (when I drive it): I'm not used to the way it reacts compared to James car. :D :eyecrazy

Pete

How about...

I already WON the title for 2004. I figure I'd give someone else a chance this year. :devillook

How about...

I already WON the title for 2004. I figure I'd give someone else a chance this year. :devillook
I like that one... but how do I explain the 710s then? :help

I like that one... but how do I explain the 710s then? :help

well... how about that you had 710s, and werent trying.. because we all know that with the 710s and a true attempt at the title AGAIN, you'd win for sure.

well... how about that you had 710s, and werent trying.. because we all know that with the 710s and a true attempt at the title AGAIN, you'd win for sure.
Wait wait I got it..

<ahem> (High and mighty voice) "Yeah, we don't like to heat cycle the tires at these little LOCAL events, we're saving the V710s for the NATIONAL TOUR events..."

How about... his name is more popular than mine?

http://babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html

According to that Jed, your name sucks now.

4 decades at the top...I win! :alright

What about: I cannot concentrate because I AM FULL OF RAGE and would KILL to win.

Violence and anger clouds the mind and tenses the body, therefore, fcuking up your reflexes.

What about: I cannot concentrate because I AM FULL OF RAGE and would KILL to win.

Violence and anger clouds the mind and tenses the body, therefore, fcuking up your reflexes.

How about playing too much GT4 and getting too used to the Logitech Driving Force Pro.... hey.. I thought my car had sequential shift! It has it in the game!!!!

$hit.. I'd kill for that.

Pete and I have a plethora of excuses:

a) we can only turn our head's right, we can't look left (seriously) :stickoutt ;

b) window harness obstructs view (seriously);

c) there's two rearview mirrors in the car now, and since the seat is lowered 1.5" -- can't see shyt ahead of us (seriously);

d) We thought we smelled smoke and hit the kill switch :eek: :stickoutt;

e) We loaned Eric our oil pan; and

f) "I'm stuck and I can't get out." :help


I have read, and would like to improve on your excuses.

a) even looking right, vision is still blocked by the seat.

b) Nascar nets!

c) both of said rear view mirrors are useless.

d) it must have been the miles of stereo wiring.

e) :lol

f) good one, but does not apply to autox. You would have to blame the harnesses and window net for the inablity to make it to the starting line in the first place.


:stickoutt

The luck finally runs out this time as our unsung hero, Johnny5, gets DQ'd for a serious cone hitting charge that tangles up a whole lots work force, Mischief style.

:eek:

How about playing too much GT4 and getting too used to the Logitech Driving Force Pro.... hey.. I thought my car had sequential shift! It has it in the game!!!!

$hit.. I'd kill for that.

That would be funny. You crank the wheel really hard or overcorrect because you are used to the Logitech steering wheel or bounce off your rev limiter as you try to upshift by pressing the back of your steering wheel.

Which introduces the new excuse:

My e-driving skills don't translate well to real world driving.

This way if you do get beat at the strip, autox, track you can arrogantly challenge your competitor to a game of GT4.

"Oh yeah???? Wanna take it to the Playstation where it belongzzzzzzz????" :mad

I leave my spare tire in and make sure my gas tank is close to full just to further promote the issue.


:lol

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Heard that one too at the strip. Slow because of the spare tire and full gas tank, but if there is a good 1/4 mi time then it must be a fast car because it did well DESPITE the spare tire and full gas tank.

Best excuse heard at the SD Tour this weekend came from my codriver/car owner.

"I shot off my big mouth online."

here is one:

I stayed out too late last night, so I can't concentrate on the course fully. (can also add in hungover, sick.. etc)


I know which one I'm going to use.

"The car has more improvements than it had last year, so I can't figure out all the settings."

I forgot to turn DSC off

I forgot to turn DSC off

:lol :lol :lol

Im surprised that didnt come up earlier.

soft springs :dunno

I forgot to turn DSC off

Esp. if it's an E30 M3 driver. :D

I have too many mods to keep me out of street-class but not enough money to keep up with the RICH.
It will be my 1st season and my car is an Auto.
My E30 has a better suspension than my M3 but it's being sold.

lol.. according to recent WDCR SCCA mailing list posts.... here is a new one:

"My competitor is a novice coordinator, so he gets to see the course before I do"... even though it was only a practice event :rolleyes:

I have Koni's so I'm in a higher class. :(

Also, I really don't know how that baby name analyzer got into this thread, but try typing in 'Madison' - notice how it takes off hugely after the movie 'Splash' came out.

I have Koni's so I'm in a higher class. :(


:rofl Shoulda got Bilsteins! :stickoutt

:rofl Shoulda got Bilsteins! :stickoutt

:lol

And it segues nicely into, "I have to compete against Eric, who has custom GC suspension. He has a better car."

I think when both the Ellmores are beating me, I'm going to have to start buying victories.

Oh yeah, and I am a newbie. I'm going to the autocross school for god's sake!

I usually do track days at real racetracks, so I'm not used to doing this on a little autocross course...





That one worked on people last year when I sucked. :(

I missed that turn because im used to the track being marked by grass not cones.

I had dust in my eyes.

I didnt put the dark visor on my helmet.

I didnt bleed my brakes.

That guys car was illegal.

The winner cut turns 1 and 3.

There was a cone out of place and I hit it.

They made a mistake when timing me.

I was taking a warm up run.

The Tires were cold.

I didnt know the track.

I was sick.

I was hungary.

I let you win.

His car overpowered mine.

Im only 18.

I didnt have 2nd gear

This isnt my car.




The list goes on.